Thursday, September 22, 2016
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Accept change, with graitude...
Even in the darkest of times if we reach deep enough inside we can find gratitude. Reach for it and bring it to the surface to light your path. You can brighten any day with a little gratitude attitude. Wrap it like a cloak around you for protection against the ever changing world that surrounds us.
I am grateful we didn't realize mothers illness as children. We may have been 'taken away' from her and the thought of her being alone all this time would be overbearingly sad. No parent is perfect. No human makes the right choices all the time.
I believe in a higher power. I am not religious as religion is man made but I do believe our souls have a purpose here. A lesson to learn ourselves or another spirit to help guide on their path. We chose this life and the choices we make pave the path we are to walk while here. The more lessons we've learn, the better choices we make. I chose not to blame mother for her choices, but to learn from them.
I was abused as a child by my step father and other men. when I told mother she didn't believe me. these were good men with solid reputations...I believe her choice, her guilt because of her choice, has manifested in one of her delusions. That she was molested as a child even used in satanic rituals along with her siblings all at the hands of her step father. Some of her siblings won't speak to her because of her rantings. For her to accuse their father of such nonsense and to say it happened to them as well! They all say she's crazy and hang up when we call to ask. I have searched for mothers truth. Anything that would help us understand the world she gets lost in, to find something to use as a tool to bring her by back. Yet I stand empty handed by looking in the past. I can only look about me today, search the materials at hand and nap out my own weapons to help in her battles.
I am grateful we have LB this time.Being familiar with the process of court proceedings and proper filing dates doesn't make it easier to walk into court and declare your mother incompetent or mentally ill. LB, Attorney is mothers financial guardian and heaven sent. When she spoke to the judge at the temporary guardian hearing, she spoke of mother with honor and respect. When med compliant mother is an intelligent retired nurse who worked her life as a missionary from Watts in the 60's to Hattie in 70 & 80's. Helping countless orphans and other missionaries alone the way. Now, when off her med's she bring in felons, drug addicts and folks she finds off the street believing she can help bring them to Jesus and save their lives. In the mean time they steal from her, conning her out of rent and food all the time taking the gifts of new clothes and things she buys to 'bring them happiness'. I am grateful she was a kind and giving soul, I feel I have learned this from her and am thankful for that.
I am grateful we didn't realize mothers illness as children. We may have been 'taken away' from her and the thought of her being alone all this time would be overbearingly sad. No parent is perfect. No human makes the right choices all the time.
I believe in a higher power. I am not religious as religion is man made but I do believe our souls have a purpose here. A lesson to learn ourselves or another spirit to help guide on their path. We chose this life and the choices we make pave the path we are to walk while here. The more lessons we've learn, the better choices we make. I chose not to blame mother for her choices, but to learn from them.
I was abused as a child by my step father and other men. when I told mother she didn't believe me. these were good men with solid reputations...I believe her choice, her guilt because of her choice, has manifested in one of her delusions. That she was molested as a child even used in satanic rituals along with her siblings all at the hands of her step father. Some of her siblings won't speak to her because of her rantings. For her to accuse their father of such nonsense and to say it happened to them as well! They all say she's crazy and hang up when we call to ask. I have searched for mothers truth. Anything that would help us understand the world she gets lost in, to find something to use as a tool to bring her by back. Yet I stand empty handed by looking in the past. I can only look about me today, search the materials at hand and nap out my own weapons to help in her battles.
I am grateful we have LB this time.Being familiar with the process of court proceedings and proper filing dates doesn't make it easier to walk into court and declare your mother incompetent or mentally ill. LB, Attorney is mothers financial guardian and heaven sent. When she spoke to the judge at the temporary guardian hearing, she spoke of mother with honor and respect. When med compliant mother is an intelligent retired nurse who worked her life as a missionary from Watts in the 60's to Hattie in 70 & 80's. Helping countless orphans and other missionaries alone the way. Now, when off her med's she bring in felons, drug addicts and folks she finds off the street believing she can help bring them to Jesus and save their lives. In the mean time they steal from her, conning her out of rent and food all the time taking the gifts of new clothes and things she buys to 'bring them happiness'. I am grateful she was a kind and giving soul, I feel I have learned this from her and am thankful for that.
Friday, April 15, 2011
and the day goes on
I love my son and am so proud of him. Again he's said if they are releasing grandma, she can come home. How many 34 year old men would take in a mental grandmother? Few, very very few. He knows it won't be easy...been there done that for the last 2 years plus...but again he steps up to the bat. I hate that he has to do this, still so very very proud.
what a difference a day makes
Saturday, April 09, 2011
5:15pm..brother just called to ck on mom. he hasn't called her yet!said he was sick...i understand but it seems to urk me a bit, i have 2 make the 3 hour drive to help her even when i m sick and in pain, a phone call couldn't hurt much...
I wrote this in my privet journal and didn't want to publish it for fear of hurting my brothers feelings if he ever read this blog by chance. At his point I care more about my mothers well being than I do his feelings and the only way I can help mother is to first be true to myself...my feelings count too.
Today is Friday. I called mom to check in with her and immediately knew she was angry about something. She received her copy of the guardianship court appearance next week and blew up saying we'd never mention this to her, she certainly didn't agree to it and how dare I do this again!...Mind you,she is still in the psych hospital.
On top of it all they are going to release her next week. My son, also co guardian believes she can come back to his home where she's been since her last breakdown. I don't want to put him through this again. Mother can be fowl when she thinks people are 'against her' and to be her guardian, she'll be down right horrid. She'll put on her religious tapes, tv and or radio blaring them 24/7...even God would get tired of it! All my son can do is stay in his room and try to block it out or go next door to his fathers and hang out till time for bed. and this is his home.
I'd love to see her moved to a place she can feel some what independent but made to be med compliant. The thought of her driving again worries me. There is no telling where she'll go to 'get away from her tormentors' when she realizes she'll always need guardians. If she is allowed to drive I am afraid she'll run away...not to mention the fact that shes totaled 3? cars in the last 4/5 years. Would YOU want to be on the road with a manic old lady behind the wheel who is chasing demons?
I don't want my son to have to live with her anymore. I don't believe that anyone given guardianship can be sure she is med compliant. She will lie. You won't be allowed to check her mouth to see if she swallowed or she'll just spit them out in your face if she wants.She'll pick up her cell phone and call the cops saying your trying to poison her, claiming she took the damn pills and you want to over dose her by making her take them again! I live almost 3 hours away so I can't be there everyday and my son has lived with her illness long enough. He loves her and wants to help but this has already destroyed the special bond they shared all his life. He's always been her special angel and she was never mean to him until he had to be guardian. It changed both their lives. I'd like to see them be grandma and grandson again.
She won't moved in with me, I've offered and my brother...is in California. I must thank the heavens that she won't moved in with me otherwise I'd need to be medicated. She already thinks I am evil. Demon possessed in her womb, she told me once....I live for the mood swings when she loves me again, I am her angel, her dearest daughter.
5:15pm..brother just called to ck on mom. he hasn't called her yet!said he was sick...i understand but it seems to urk me a bit, i have 2 make the 3 hour drive to help her even when i m sick and in pain, a phone call couldn't hurt much...
I wrote this in my privet journal and didn't want to publish it for fear of hurting my brothers feelings if he ever read this blog by chance. At his point I care more about my mothers well being than I do his feelings and the only way I can help mother is to first be true to myself...my feelings count too.
Today is Friday. I called mom to check in with her and immediately knew she was angry about something. She received her copy of the guardianship court appearance next week and blew up saying we'd never mention this to her, she certainly didn't agree to it and how dare I do this again!...Mind you,she is still in the psych hospital.
On top of it all they are going to release her next week. My son, also co guardian believes she can come back to his home where she's been since her last breakdown. I don't want to put him through this again. Mother can be fowl when she thinks people are 'against her' and to be her guardian, she'll be down right horrid. She'll put on her religious tapes, tv and or radio blaring them 24/7...even God would get tired of it! All my son can do is stay in his room and try to block it out or go next door to his fathers and hang out till time for bed. and this is his home.
I'd love to see her moved to a place she can feel some what independent but made to be med compliant. The thought of her driving again worries me. There is no telling where she'll go to 'get away from her tormentors' when she realizes she'll always need guardians. If she is allowed to drive I am afraid she'll run away...not to mention the fact that shes totaled 3? cars in the last 4/5 years. Would YOU want to be on the road with a manic old lady behind the wheel who is chasing demons?
I don't want my son to have to live with her anymore. I don't believe that anyone given guardianship can be sure she is med compliant. She will lie. You won't be allowed to check her mouth to see if she swallowed or she'll just spit them out in your face if she wants.She'll pick up her cell phone and call the cops saying your trying to poison her, claiming she took the damn pills and you want to over dose her by making her take them again! I live almost 3 hours away so I can't be there everyday and my son has lived with her illness long enough. He loves her and wants to help but this has already destroyed the special bond they shared all his life. He's always been her special angel and she was never mean to him until he had to be guardian. It changed both their lives. I'd like to see them be grandma and grandson again.
She won't moved in with me, I've offered and my brother...is in California. I must thank the heavens that she won't moved in with me otherwise I'd need to be medicated. She already thinks I am evil. Demon possessed in her womb, she told me once....I live for the mood swings when she loves me again, I am her angel, her dearest daughter.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Notes from the last few days
Monday, April 04, 2011
arrivt in tulsa about 4:30pm 4/4/11 .Staying with son,was going to sleep in moms bed but didn't want to disturbe her stuff. will pay mom a visit in psyc ward tomorrow
looked in ck register. been giving money away again and spend over budget. looks like she was packing for a long trip,think she knew doctors would keep her a while
hope to speak to atty b4 going to court house for guardianship papers. hardly any food, looks like shes not been eating well, son said she's lost a lot of weight. not sleeping.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Staying another night. Can't see mom until tomorrow. Had planed to take care of the court papers dealing with the guardianship but the atty had a lot to do in a rush amount of time so we'll met her tomorrow at 2:30pm to sign and notarize paperwork, then go before the judge about 3:30.
spoke to mother several times on the phone so far today. she's still in her own world. believeing they are druging her, giving her the wrong med's causeing seziures.according to her nurse she is still delusional ith deamons in various staff members.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Cleaning a bit. Mom had thing scattered about as often happens when she is in a manic state. Cliff (son) said she hasn't been sleeping. he'll get up at 2,3,4am to pee and she is up, listening to her church music or bible tapes , tussling around in her room.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
just home n got the first call frm laurette needing permission to medicate mother. seems she wont 'med comply' again. thus the reason for the guardianship. i m so tired. more later.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Must get caught up on this and my notes. I've talked to mom Thursday and plan a call this afternoon. she was still delusional last we spoke but very at peace with the guardianship. Somewhere in there she realizes she needs help and supervision now despite being so independent most of her life.
arrivt in tulsa about 4:30pm 4/4/11 .Staying with son,was going to sleep in moms bed but didn't want to disturbe her stuff. will pay mom a visit in psyc ward tomorrow
looked in ck register. been giving money away again and spend over budget. looks like she was packing for a long trip,think she knew doctors would keep her a while
hope to speak to atty b4 going to court house for guardianship papers. hardly any food, looks like shes not been eating well, son said she's lost a lot of weight. not sleeping.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Staying another night. Can't see mom until tomorrow. Had planed to take care of the court papers dealing with the guardianship but the atty had a lot to do in a rush amount of time so we'll met her tomorrow at 2:30pm to sign and notarize paperwork, then go before the judge about 3:30.
spoke to mother several times on the phone so far today. she's still in her own world. believeing they are druging her, giving her the wrong med's causeing seziures.according to her nurse she is still delusional ith deamons in various staff members.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Cleaning a bit. Mom had thing scattered about as often happens when she is in a manic state. Cliff (son) said she hasn't been sleeping. he'll get up at 2,3,4am to pee and she is up, listening to her church music or bible tapes , tussling around in her room.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
just home n got the first call frm laurette needing permission to medicate mother. seems she wont 'med comply' again. thus the reason for the guardianship. i m so tired. more later.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Must get caught up on this and my notes. I've talked to mom Thursday and plan a call this afternoon. she was still delusional last we spoke but very at peace with the guardianship. Somewhere in there she realizes she needs help and supervision now despite being so independent most of her life.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Waiting by the phone
I talked to my brother earlier and told him I'd be home by 7 pm. I've been waiting since 6:45 pm waiting by the phone to discus mothers latest situation. I have yet to hear the phone ring. I never questioned stepping in when needed. Guess I am a bit surprised, still...,not. I was hopeful we could talk about this and decide together the next step. Or even he may suggest on his own that it's his turn to bare the biggest part of the burden and be mothers guardian. Mind you this does not mean we have to live with her but that we be responsible for her bills being paid on time and the well being of her person. She isn't always pleasant to her appointed guardian. As a very independent woman being given an allowance and no check book is demeaning to say the least. She can cut you to your soul with words you'd never think this little lady would dare utter. A battle worn soldier would blush I assure you! No, pleasant she is not. But she is my mother. And to say no to the guardianship and it's responsibilities, to say no to dealing with her illness means she is turned out on her own. She'll be taken advantage of by the street people she'll bring into her home to 'save'. She won't pay rent because she'll give her money to a mission some where believing 'God will provide' until she is evitcted again and on the street living with strangers. She is my mother...and for all the fire and brimstone she will throw my way I can't just let her go. In and out of mental institutions as the neighbors complain and have her picked up? No, not my mom. I may cry myself to sleep a lot more in the future. My nerves will be tested and my Chron's des.
Ok, in all fairness..my brother just called...over 2 hours late, but...he called.
Ok, in all fairness..my brother just called...over 2 hours late, but...he called.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)